How to deal with “research guilt” during a pandemic

By: Diana Calvo Martinez

During these unprecedent times it is extremely hard to find a new rhythm, and even harder if deadlines start to approach.  The level of anxiety and frustration most of us (or at least some of us) are experiencing are off the charts, and we still have to perform academically.

My first approach to deal with my lack of productivity was to shut down anything unrelated to research.  Besides taking care of my daughter, I was exclusively working on my dissertation, restricting my eating and sleep time.  I guess I should have known better.

After a couple of weeks, I did not make any progress, but I was completely exhausted, finding that my new routine consisted in countless hours sitting in front of the computer with a brick wall between my brain and the keyboard.  I started crying out of desperation, not knowing where to go.  Then I knew I needed concrete plan of action to get out of that state.

I took several steps to escape my anxiety.  I have found several sources, including readings, courses, friends, colleagues, family, my online team at work cycles, but most of all, my therapist.  I would like to share what I have learned in hopes that it might be useful for somebody.

Don’t be afraid of seeing a therapist.  A therapist will guide you through a journey specified for yourself.  It is a hidden voice completely unrelated to you, that can help you ventilate your feelings without judgment.  But most of all, a therapist can give you amazing tips to deal with whatever you are going through.

Do something that resonates with your core. Is there anything that you always wanted to do but have been pushing it out because you don’t have the time?  Do it.  It can be anything (considering, of course, our current restrictions): painting, working out, baking, even watching a show you really want to watch.  Are you worrying about your time?  Trust me.  In the end, the time you invest in your activity will be made up for in efficiency, making your work time much more productive.  My activity is swimming.  I do it for just 30 minutes every day.  It reduces my anxiety and increases my focus.  Since I started swimming, I am finally feeling that I am making some progress on my writing projects.

Do self-care that does not feel like an obligation.  I started to work-out because I knew it was good for me, but I was feeling so bored that I struggled to do it.  In the end, I felt terrible because I skipped most of the time.  It was, indeed, a new chore.  Besides swimming, I started to be mindful about my meals.  Now, when I eat, I just eat, enjoying the food and making better choices.  Find something that you like and is good for you… from yoga to a manicure, from preparing for a marathon to skincare.  If push-ups are for you, even better!

Chat with your peers.  After chatting casually with some peers, we discovered that we were all struggling with focusing on writing.  It’s funny how that works!  We somehow know we are not alone, but we are surprised to find out there are a lot of very close people in a very similar situation as ours.  We decided to have a weekly check-in to help each other or, you know, just chat.  Sometimes, it is difficult for people that are not in your situation to understand what it takes to complete a Ph.D..  So, certainly, a graduate student group helps.

Chat with your family and friends. I am an international student and it is painful to be so far away from my family and best friends, especially now.  The strength I find in talking to them is almost magical.  I talk to my mom, daily, and she sends me pictures of how her flowers keep growing.  That small thing sets up my mood for the day.  Find silly things to keep contact and look out for each other.  This might be the chance to reconnect.  If you have your family with you, also talk, also reconnect to them.

Chat with your supervisor.  I know.  This might seem hard, and I understand not everybody has a relationship that would facilitate the expression of emotions to a professor.  But if you feel that you have enough confidence with your advisor, tell them how you feel.  Your advisor might be pushing you without knowing the struggle you are in.  I think the lack of “speaking up” is a main issue in graduate programs.  Studies about graduate student mental health are relatively new, but I am optimistic that momentum is growing, and you can do a small part to keep it going.

Reduce your exposure to news and social media.  We are empathetic.  We get affected by what is happening in the world.  If you are too exposed to the negative information these days, it is hard even to get out of bed.  I am not saying to blind yourself, but have just the right amount of information you feel you need to make decisions in your own life and enough social media to know if you can do something about an issue. 

Reach for help.  You might need somebody to keep you accountable. You might need help to review your grammar.  You might need help with chores at home.  You might need help finding literature.  Now is the time to reach for help.  We are all different.  Some people would find this very hard.  Others might not.  I find it quite difficult to ask even my husband for help, but I am glad I did.  Of course, you should always consider that when asking for help, you are not sacrificing the other person’s self-care.

Help others.  I am not saying that now you have to embark on a humanitarian mission for months.  But we are all able to help somebody.  Even the tiniest help will affect that person and yourself.  I was worried about my lack of time, but I volunteered for 2 hours with the COVID team from my university, and that day has been the most productive I have had in a while.

If you are a parent, cherish your extra time with your kid.  One of the topics I read about quite often is the struggle that parents are having during this quarantine.  So, I will not expound on this.  Having a schedule, planning meals, look for activities beforehand, all helps.  However, the key element is to be there, with your kid, in that moment, connecting.  I found myself thinking about how much I should be writing while taking care of my daughter, stressing out so much that she was noticing my bad mood.  Most parents don’t have an option other than taking care of their kids at home during the pandemic.  Don’t fall into a loop of guilt and frustration.  Just try to make the most of this opportunity to spend time with your little one.

If you live with somebody, agree about duties.  Writing your dissertation is not the best time to do a spring cleaning, but some chores are inevitable.  Be sure to be clear with your co-habitants about household duties and, if they are willing to take some extra load for you, be sure that they are really OK with it.  My husband took care of our daughter for a long week while I was working on a manuscript.  At the end of the week, he was exhausted, and even had migraines.  Be sure that you are not sacrificing the others person’s self-care, even when they agree that they would be fine at the beginning.  Compromise.  You need peace, and so do they.

I would like to emphasize that I am not an expert in managing anxiety.  I am just a graduate student that had to do a ton of research to find some peace and be somehow productive.  There are some key things that might work for most graduate fellows, but this is definitely an individualized self-awareness process.  Try to find your balance, but be conscious about the difficult times we are living in.  Make your peace about your productivity, acknowledging that it is OK if it is not your usual.  After all, we are navigating a pandemic!

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